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...along comes an entire crop of people who suck...

SO, i give you reason #12 why people suck: Common sense isn't so common anymore...

So i took a call from a Non-Pregnant Ghetto Bitch(tm)...(keep in mind i only use this term when a caller is speaking in that fucked up way...you know what i mean)...now, this chick had surgery "a few weeks ago" and they told her she'd only bleed for 2-4 days...and yet, she's still bleeding...has she called her doctor before this? No. Did it occur to her that this might be a bad thing? No. So when does she decide it might just be a problem? Thursday night, midnight...WTF? How does someone wait 2 or more weeks before deciding the bleeding is a problem? Not to mention, why on earth would you argue with me that you can ONLY talk to your own doctor, even though the guy's in SOUTH AMERICA and can't be reached?

I. Really. Hate. People.

But that's not all! Oh no, i also bring #13: Talking faster won't get your message taken any quicker...

So while i was arguing with the aforementioned N-PGB(tm), i had calls coming in for other accounts...and just like those annoying automated "your call will be answered in the order received" things, if you hang up while waiting for me to answer, you wind up at the bottom of the queue, which only lengthens your wait time...so don't get all bitchy with me when you had to wait more than a minute or so to get your call through when you're the idiot who hung up and called back FOUR TIMES...then, when you do get through, talking faster only ensures that i can't understand a fucking thing you're saying and i'm gonna make you repeat everything both slowly and clearly...because there's no point in me TAKING a message if it's not accurate...

And, believe it or not, i have ANOTHER ONE...reason #14: If you don't have the info i need, why the fuck are you on my phone?

So we recently (comparatively speaking) started answering for a company that does transportation for people to and from doctor appointment, dialysis, that kind of thing...and they also pick people up from emergency rooms...so i get this call from a guy at the insurance company, checking on the status of a ride...i said i had no record of that and he insists it was called in half an hour ago, maybe another operator took the message? I said no, i'm the only one here and you are the only person i've spoken to about this...so, he sets up the ride...now, the important thing to know about this is that the ride is in CLEVELAND...why is that important? Do you know how bloody huge that city is? Ok, maybe not New York or Chicago huge, but huge enough that we HAVE to get a zip code on every call from Cleveland because there are streets with similar names (Maple Ave, Maple Rd, Maple Dr.), but they're in different zip codes and the drivers need the info to get to the right place...but does the guy from the insurance company (I.C.) have that info? No. Does he know the name of the hospital his client is at? No. Does he know how to spell the name of that road? No. Does he know his ass from his elbow? Probably not...

CAN YOU BELIEVE I'M NOT DONE YET? Reason #15: If you call to cancel, don't expect a miracle when you call back to un-cancel...

You guessed it...Cleveland Guy called to cancel his ride, because he didn't want to wait for the driver to get out of bed, get dressed, drive to the terminal, pick up a van, drive to the hospital and pick his sorry ass up...so he was gonna take a bus...FIVE MINUTES LATER, I.C. calls to SET UP THE RIDE AGAIN!!!

Tomorrow, i'm getting so drunk that i don't recover until Sunday when i come back in...and for the record? I've been writing this rant since *12:30* and it's now AFTER 2:00AM...

AAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!

You're the expert

Thirty-five minutes into my shift and already, i have reason #11 why people suck...I'm not the expert, YOU are!

Now, i was always led to believe that it is not my job to triage the calls as they come in...i'm not a medical professional, so i'm really not qualified to make a decision regarding what constitutes a medical emergency...i'm SUPPOSED to leave that up to the people calling me, who are generally nurses from hospitals and nursing homes, with the occasional ER doc thrown in for good measure...so if THEY tell me they need the doctor right now, what the hell else am i supposed to think?

But no, now i'm supposed to ask everyone if it's something that can wait until 6:00am, because the doctor on call can't be assed to give a shit about his patients...so why am i ranting right this minute? Because this doctor just called me to bitch at me because the nurse wanted to order a sleeping pill for a patient...you know, so she can SLEEP TONIGHT...but no, this asshole doctor calls me back and YELLS at me because HE didn't think that was important enough to call him...WHAT THE FUCK?? What kind of physician worth his fucking degree would make a patient wait until 6:00 in the fucking morning to get some sleep? And this call came from a nursing home, so you'd think the poor old lady in question would benefit from the rest! But the doctor? Nope, he had to talk to me like i'm some kind of simpleton because he's the idiot that takes the on call EVERY NIGHT, instead of trading with the other doctor in the practice or someone else in his call group...and just now, he's getting pissy about losing sleep at night...

Here's some advice for you, Doctor I Don't Give a Shit...FIND A NEW CAREER! Obviously, taking care of people isn't the job for you...

I hate people, revisited

I do, i really really do...especially stupid bitches who don't have a fucking clue about what they're supposed to do...yes, i speak of my very least favorite caller: The Pregnant Ghetto Bitch.

Now, before anyone gets all "Oh Lordy! Racism!", allow me to elaborate...a "ghetto bitch" is any woman who calls in and speaks in ghetto speak...you know, they say things like "I needa talk to mah midwie, I in so much pay." And they use numbers like "free", "fo", "fie" and "nie". Yeah, THOSE people...

And i have to explain one more thing, for those of you out there who might stumble across this journal o' rants and might not be familiar with certain things...i speak of "hospital privileges"...this is where your doctor or midwife is allowed to practice and if you live in an area with multiple hospitals (i think i've mentioned that we have like 11 in the area), not all medical professionals are going to have privileges at every hospital...

SO, on to the rant...so this PGB(tm) calls me and wants her midwife...no problem, it happens and normally doesn't irritate me too much...until we get to the part where she's ALREADY AT THE EMERGENCY ROOM and that she chose to go to a hospital where the midwives she sees DO NOT HAVE PRIVILEGES! Her excuse? "I hadda come here cuz I couldn get a rie to de udder hosable." (yes, you read that the exact way she said it.)

First off, if you're that bad off, you can call a fucking ambulance and they'll take you where you need to go...secondly, the midwives TELL YOU where to go to deliver so that you can be GUARANTEED that they'll deliver your baby...so please, do NOT get pissy with me when i tell you that your midwife most certainly will not be delivering your baby when you go to the wrong hospital AGAINST THEIR ORDERS...::pantpantpantpant::

Makes me wonder if any of the people i talk to all night long have anything approaching a clue...too bad their "breathe in/breathe out" brain cell is still working...it would save my sanity if it would just stop...
Me: Lots
Roaches: Zip, zilch, zero

I know, i know...for every one you see, there's a hundred you don't...so does that mean if i were to see a hundred of them in front of me, there'd be a hundred more lurking about somewhere? Wait...never mind...i don't wanna go there...

The point is, i'm sick of killing them one at a time and i want them gone...evicted...deported...whatever it takes to get rid of these nasty little fuckers...it's not fair, i tell you! I've said it before, i'm gonna say it again...I'M SUPPOSED TO WORK ALONE DAMMIT!! I don't want their company...and to make matters even worse, now i've been held at bay by them in the parking lot trying to get into the building...and when i try to get around them, THEY COME AT ME!! AAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH! *pantpantpantpantpant*

I think they're planning something...perhaps some kind of final assault...i just know i'm gonna come in one day and they're gonna send a scout...a regular looking cockroach that just moseys across the floor like always...and i'm gonna pull out the Raid and try to take him out, only to find the can empty...and that little bastard's gonna run back to his friends to report that i am out of Raid and the lot of 'em are gonna come out in force, with little bandanas tied around their heads and bandoliers around their carapaces, like Rambo Roaches or something...and the 1st shift girls will come in only to find me tied up and hanging from the ceiling...or something worse that i don't even wanna think about...

On a lighter note, we're supposedly moving to a new location...on the plus side, it has central air...a bigger bonus will be no roaches...i'll let you all know as soon as i do...

First time for everything, right?

Six and a half years...i've worked here six and a half years and i honestly thought i'd heard it all...really, i did...after that much time, there's precious little that someone could bust out with that i haven't already heard a thousand times...

I've been proven wrong...

Was it a crazy bitch wanting birth control? Nope.

Perhaps some psycho asshole bitching about his air conditioning? Nah.

No, i've been drunk dialed by a client...a funeral director no less...i won't say who, or from which of the dozen or so facilities we answer for...but yep, i've been drunk dialed by a funeral director...it went something like this:

Me: Whatever Funeral Home, this is Rowena, may I help you?
Funeral Director: Hey honey, how you doing tonight?
Me: Well, except for having a terrible cold, i'm fine, how are you?
FD: Oh, i'm great! I'm on my fifth drink! (laughs) Hey, take me off call and put What's His Name on, ok?
Me: Oh my god are you drunk dialing me?
FD: (laughs) Yeah, i guess i am! That's why What's His Name has to take the calls now, all right?
Me: (laughing) All right, no problem! (laughs again) Hey, you do know i'm writing a book and this is SO going in there!
FD: What? No way, you can't do that!
Me: Oh yes i can! Don't worry, i won't use your name or the funeral home name, but in 6 1/2 years, i've never been drunk dialed by a client!
FD: Oh man! You better give me a signed copy!
Me: You'll be first on my list!
FD: (laughs) Excellent! Hey, you have a good one! I'm gonna have another drink! It's Thursday, gotta get a head start on the weekend!
Me: Oh, don't i know it!
FD: Thanks darlin'! Bye now!

Ah, if only all my calls could go this way...:)
You would think after 6 1/2 years, i'd be inured to the weirdness of calls...i mean, i've spoken to the Panty Man...the Foot Guy...all kinds of people with all kind of weird shit to talk about...but just now, i had a first...

Would it EVER occur to you to call a funeral home and ask for directions to a car dealership? At quarter to 3 in the morning? I mean COME ON!!

I SO don't know where to put that in my brain...it's not computing...

Or maybe that's just the cold medicine...

A month and half of peace, RUINED!

It's been a month and a half, and i guess i thought i was safe...i guess i thought i'd won, i'd scared them off, they knew who had the opposable thumb around here...

I spoke too soon...i got complacent...NEVER. AGAIN.

Me: More than i've actually counted on here...
Roaches: None, nada, zip, zilch, zero.

On the plus side, i think we're moving! Just down the road a bit, but still...maybe it's roach free! I know it has central air :)

Two more reasons, one post

Ok, here we go...reason #10 people suck: I know more than you do...

I've probably got a variation of this somewhere...but damned if it doesn't keep happening...

I have notes in every single account that tell me certain things that i need to know...Dr. Whoever is at home now, call him there...Dr. Whatever is on his cell, he lost his pager...Mary Midwife will take calls first until 3:00am...stuff like that...so for fuck's sake, when you're calling the OB/GYN practice and i TELL you that Mary Midwife is on call, i'm not being difficult...it's just the truth, even if it's NOT for an OB patient! Christ on a cracker, i have friends who have NEVER had kids who see midwives for their GYN!! Grrrrrr....

Now, reason #11 why people suck: I am not now, nor will i ever be, the PSYCHIC answering service...

This one's simple...when calling for a doctor and i ask where you are, saying something like "4100" or "Six north" does me no good...we have like ELEVEN hospitals in this city and surrounding area, so i need to know WHICH ONE YOU'RE AT!!

Once again, i hate people...

An MD doesn't mean you're always right...

Ok, reason #9 people suck...you're not as smart as you THINK you are...

I can not stress enough how idiot proof the system is that 90% of my work is done on...i mean seriously, the account comes up and to dial a number, i hit a button on the keyboard marked "dial" until it highlights the number i want to dial...i hit enter...the phone is dialed for me...that's it...it is simply not possible to enter a wrong digit, because I AM NOT DIALING MANUALLY!

So when a doctor that i've called three times and gotten the machine...called the cell and got voice mail...paged three times...when he decides to call me and says "you never called my house", when i CLEARLY left THREE FUCKING MESSAGES, well...i take it a little personal...but when he has the unmitigated GALL to suggest that i did it wrong, when the computer AUTOMATICALLY logs the dispatch record WITH the number i dialed and he still chooses to say *I* fucked it up, well...that's just a bit more than i can handle...i even told him that the dispatch record, which will be faxed over in the morning, CLEARLY shows that i called him three times, he still said "well, my home phone doesn't show that you called and it keeps a record, so you must have done it wrong"...well...

So i told him "If it makes YOU feel better to believe that, you go right ahead. But your morning fax will prove me right." and i hung up...

MOTHERFUCKINGCOCKSUCKINGSONOFABITCHINGASSHATJERKWADDONKEYFUCKER!!!!

I don't feel better...but at least i'll be vindicated...
Ok, so i'm sending out some morning faxes...no big deal, i do it every day...and i happen to see a message on one of the vet's lines...in fact, i think it may have been the same vet as before...hell, i think this might be the same dog...

At any rate, the family pooch was supposed to be neutered today, but apparently knew that if he ate something, he wouldn't be able to have the surgery done...so, he got into the trash for a bit of a snack...and decided to eat a condom...

I swear, i get a call about any pets that are inexplicably vibrating, i quit...:)