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I knew things were going too well...

I should know better than to start thinking "wow, stuff isn't sucking like it used to". 'Cause as soon as I do, every single stupid, crazy, bitchy or just plain evil person has to crawl out of the woodwork and call me.

I've been at work (as of this sentence) exactly one hour and four minutes. In that time, I've encountered the following:

1 woman who can't figure out if her uterine implant is where it's supposed to be, so she wants a midwife to call her and talk her through figuring this out. But the midwives take NO birth control related calls after hours. Her last words before hanging up? "Fine, whatever, it's just my relationship on the line because I can't have sex and I'm going to wind up divorced over this." (Editor's note: Any man who starts threatening to divorce a woman only seven weeks after she had his baby is the kind of man who should be kicked to the curb anyway. There are more important things in life than your dick. Deal with it.)

1 NOL who croaked the following: "Oh yeah, Dr. Whatever, he's nothing but a bully and incompetent and he never gives me my medicine when I need it and he's just a bad doctor, so there!"

1 doctor on vacation, but no one from the doctor's office informed US of this tidbit of very important information. Silly me, I thought getting the patient taken care of was my main priority, so I finally called another doctor from the practice. Here's more or less how that conversation went:

Me: "I have a patient of Dr. Whoever on the line, Jane Doe, but Dr. Whoever hasn't answered our pages."
Dr. BitchCanGoDie: "Dr. Whoever is on vacation."
Me: "Oh, well no one told us that, I'm sorry."
Dr. BitchCanGoDie: "I didn't know it was my job to inform you of these things."
Me: "Well, usually someone from your staff would let us know and tell us who's covering for her, but no one did, that's all I'm saying."
Dr. BitchCanGoDie: "Well I don't know what the staff does, so it's not my problem."
Me: "Anyway, I have this patient here, do you want to talk to her?"
Dr. BitchCanGoDie: "Oh, so now I'M covering for Dr. Whoever?"
Me: "I don't know who's covering for her, no one told us, we've been through that. It doesn't change the fact that I have one of her patients on the line with a severely sore and swollen throat who can't swallow and she wants to talk to someone."
Dr. BitchCanGoDie: "I wasn't aware that I was going to have to cover for Dr. Whoever, so I don't understand why you're bothering me in the middle of the night with this."
Me: "Look, if you want me to call Dr. Whatsit, just tell me and I'll do that. But the patient said she saw you last and wanted to talk to you, so I called you. It's kind of my job."
Dr. BitchCanGoDie: "Fine, whatever, put her through, but I'm talking to my staff and your boss tomorrow."
Me: "Good luck with that. My boss quit." (Patched call and hung up.)

BUT WAIT!!! THERE'S MORE!!!

1 death call, which is bad enough on its own. But when I gave the call to the funeral director, it was like trying to have a conversation with someone who's severely retarded. I told him the address FIVE TIMES and he still didn't get it right ("1234 Something Road?" "No, 4321 Something DRIVE." "Oh, 4321 Something Road." "NO. 4321 Something DRIVE." "Oh ok, got it." ::headdesk::). He couldn't seem to spell anything right, even when I went letter by letter ("Her last name is S like in Sam, M like in Mary, I like in ice, T like in Tom, H like in Henry." "Ok, so it's S-M-I-D-T-H." "No, no D! Smith! Like in Smith!" "Well why did you say D then?" ::headdesk::). And he asked me FOUR TIMES for the name of the facility where the deceased was ("She's at The Nursing Home in Sometown." "And what's the address there?" ::sigh:: "4321 Something Drive." "Oh, ok." [two minutes later] "Now, what's the name of the facility at 4321 Something Road?" ::headdesk::).

1 guy who doesn't understand that a Ford pickup truck, no matter how big it is, is not now nor will it ever be a semi truck. Period. Which means no, none of the tire people I answer for will ever come change his tires after 6pm. It's not going to happen EVER. And calling me more than once about it is never going to change that fact.

...

Yes, all that happened in the first hour and four minutes of my shift. So now I have many more reasons why people suck. Not that I needed any more, mind you. But people keep stepping up to the plate and exceeding my people suck expectations. Honestly, I don't want any more reasons to believe that people suck. I have plenty as it is. But you and I both know that it's not over. Oh no. Someone out there is just waiting to prove to me that people can suck even more than they already do.

I just hope that when that finally happens, I'll have developed the mutant ability to slap people around through the phone lines.

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rowenadevandal
rowenadevandal

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